Arse Licking 1

The neighbour licking my arse has become a regular thing. The details of the first time it happening are too lengthy to go into here. It was after a stag night. I had locked myself out. It just happened.

I’m not gay and neither is he. And he wouldn’t be my type if I was. I’m 23. He’s the wrong end of 50. My girlfriend is beginning to notice. Comments, I mean.

“Popping out again, are we?”

We’ve been together for six years. She’s the only girl I’ve slept with and I don’t think she’d do that even if I asked. I wouldn’t want her to.

Tonight I tell her I am going round to watch the football. I hold up the six pack. In fact, we have Strictly Come Dancing on. He closes the curtains and I lay on my front on the floor. I don’t even take my clothes off.

I am wearing jogging bottoms for easy access. That was his idea. He puts a cushion under me and pulls them down to my knees. If my girlfriend hadn’t come over to borrow some milk and my neighbour hadn’t left the door unlocked everything would have been alright.

 

Arse Licking 2

I try to stay away but at the rehearsal for the village panto he is there.

“I’ll be the back of the cow,” he says, “you be the front.”

It is only afterwards, unzipping myself from the costume, that I see my girlfriend. As soon as she notices the neighbour appearing behind me, she knows.

I tell her that if she paid more attention to my arse it wouldn’t have happened. I take pictures of my mates’ arses to prove a point. I spread them across the coffee table.

“Go on, which one is mine?”

She looks for ages before choosing. “This one,” she says. “It’s perfect.”

“That’s Steve’s,” I say.

Later that week I am away with the football team. As it happens, I am sharing a room with Steve. After the game we raid the mini-bar and I tell him all about it.

“What? This baby?” he says pulling down his shorts and slapping a cheek.

“Over here mate,” I say, “on the head.”

I meant it as a joke but he is right in there.

“You can stay there while I watch Match of the Day if you want?” he says. My answer is, at best, muffled.

 

Arse Licking 3

The following week, while my girlfriend is out on a line-dancing evening, I invite Steve around to watch Match of the Day.

He has the idea of removing the detachable arms of the sofa to act as a kind of support. He gets me to lie on the floor and then puts one on either side of my head.

“Perfect! And I brought this.”

He reaches into a pocket and takes out a straw.

“What’s that for?”

“Hang on.”

He goes into the kitchen and comes back with a bottle of beer. He puts the straw in the top and puts the bottle next to my head.

“So you can drink too,” he says.

“Thanks.”

“I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t shower. That seems a bit too gay.”

Steve undoes his buckle, takes down his trousers and pants and takes a seat.

“You’re right about these arms,” I say. “Perfect.”

“If you don’t mind. It’s about to start. Do you think you could do it in time to the music? Right around the hole is nice.”

After the highlights of the first two games Steve gets up.

“Back in a sec mate. I think I need to fart.”

 

Arse Licking 4

The next week Steve arrives just as my girlfriend is leaving.

“Alright Sandra,” he says. “Nice lipstick.”

“Thanks. You boys enjoy Match of the Day.”

As soon as she’s gone Steve says, “I was thinking, it wasn’t ideal you drinking with a straw. I’ve had an idea.” He reaches into a pocket and takes out a funnel. “Go and get a beer.”

When I come back Steve is lying on his back with his legs in the air. His pants are around his ankles.

“Put the funnel in my arse and fill me up. You got it?”

At the first attempt Steve lets out a cry.

“I think we need lube,” I say.

“You got any?

I scratch my head. “Butter?”

“Fuck off! I’m not a piece of toast. What about Sandra’s lipstick?”

The beer lasts about one set of highlights. During the analysis we fill him up again. As we get to the final match Steve says, “What about I hold it in this time, you lick for all your worth and then at the end I let it out all at once?”

“Ok, but aim carefully. Sandra will kill me if we make a mess on the carpet.”

 

Arse Licking 5

As soon as I get down the pub I can tell that Steve has been blabbing to ‘Donkey’ Dave.

“Fuck!” I say.

“S’ok,” says Dave, and puts a hand on my arm. He leans in close breathing cheese and onion flavour crisps in my face. “I wouldn’t mind trying myself.”

We decide to cut the evening short and head straight back to Dave’s. He has a duplex in a posh part of town.

“Hang on,” says Dave and disappears up the stairs.

When he comes back down he is wearing nothing but a pair of pants. They have a pouch at the front, a strip of elastic around each leg and another at the lower spine. No arse.

“Perfect!” says Steve.

“Got them for Vince’s stag-do. Only worn the fuckers once.”

Dave goes into the kitchen, comes back with a knife. He uses this to cut a hole in the seat of one of his rattan chairs.

“Right, get under! I warn you, I’m pretty hairy.”

I lie under the seat and Dave takes his place. He’s done a good job. After ten minutes or so I feel something tapping at my foot.

“Come on,” says Steve. “My turn.”

 

Arse Licking 6

Steve and I are heading off to Dave’s. He said bring a bottle of wine. Red.

When we get there Barry answers the door. Barry is Dave’s best mate.

“2007,” says Barry, eyeing the wine, “a good year. Man U won the premiership.”

Dave has cut a hole in another one of the chairs. They are side by side in front of the TV.

“Thought we’d have a bit of a sesh,” says Dave. He holds up a DVD. “Lord of the Rings. Get it?”

While Steve is sorting out the TV, Dave and Barry take it in turns to decant the wine into each other’s arses.

“You’ll be under my chair,” says Barry to me. “Hope you don’t mind, I came straight from the gym. Quite sweaty.”

Barry was Sandra’s boyfriend before me. There’s a bit of history there.

“An arse is an arse,” I say.

“Now boys,” says Dave. “The plan is that when they say, ‘One ring to rule them all’ we release the wine. It should be at body temperature then. That’s the best way to serve red wine.”

I’m just pleased to get under Barry. As I always thought, his backside is his best side.

 

Arse Licking 7

Pretty soon the whole football team has found out what’s going on. Dave, as captain, is acting like the whole thing was his idea. That’s typical of him.

After the last game of the season he invites us back to his.

As we go through the door he hands us each a pair of the pants similar to the ones he wore that first time.

In the living-room there are now five of the chairs with the seat cut out. On a table next to each chair is a funnel and a tube of KY Jelly. There’s beer, wine, and for those that are driving, Virgin cola.

At nine o’clock I bump into Steve by the fridge. Gav is under Barry, Jimmy is under Dave, Lance is under Peter, Phil is under Trevor. Tony is in the toilet having a shit.

“Beer?” says Steve and reaches for a funnel.

“I might have it the old-fashioned way.”

“It’s all gone a bit commercial, hasn’t it?” says Steve. “What’s with these posing pouches?”

“They are a bit naff.”

“I miss the old days. You, me, Match of the Day, my bollocks bouncing off your chin as you suck my hole.”

 

Arse Licking 8

We hear the key in the door and Steve just manages to get his pants up in time.

Sandra enters and gives me a kiss.

“What have you been eating? I thought you were getting takeaway in?”

Steve smiles.

“Anyway,” says Sandra, “can’t stop. Forgot my cash-card.” She pauses at the door. “What are the arms of the sofa doing on the floor?”

“More comfortable,” says Steve. “You know us lads.”

“That was close,” I say. “Where were we?”

Steve sorts us out a beer and then gets comfortable.

“You mind if I put the darts on, mate?” he says.

“Go for it. But push down harder on my face. I want the full arse.”

About an hour later Steve leaps up.

“It’s fucking ‘Donkey’ Dave on the TV,” he says.

‘Donkey’ Dave is right there in the centre of the screen. He’s wearing those pants. Be-hind him must be about fifty chairs, each with the seat cut out.

“So come to my club,” says Dave, “‘Rimmers’ open now for all your arse licking needs.”

The advert finishes.

“Fucking disgusting,” says Steve. “The shame of the man.”

“I know,” I say. “Especially when it was my idea first.”

“That’s right. You’re the original arse licker.”

“Speaking of which...”

“Right-o,” says Steve. “Now you mention it, my arsehole is hungry for your mouth.”

“Hurry up then. We’ve only got three hours before Sandra gets back.”

 

© 2008 Drew Gummerson

 

Drew Gummerson was born in 1971 and lives in Leicester where he works for the police. In 2002 his first novel The Lodger was published. It was a finalist in the Lambda Awards in the States. In July 2008 Drew’s latest book Me and Mickie James will be published by Jonathan Cape.

Drew’s short fiction has been published in various short story collections and on various websites. Drew’s story ‘Teeth’ was the winner of the 2005 Leicestershire Short Story Competition and ‘Reyka’ was a winner in the 2005 Middlesex University Prize.

Visit him at www.drewgummerson.co.uk