Mr. Clean doesn't actually polish his bald head. Fresh from the shower each morning, he merely pats it dry before the mirror.

Mr. Clean always flosses after he brushes his teeth. Even the back teeth. Afterwards, he rinses with antibacterial mouthwash. Then he washes his hands.

Brush Your Sink: Toothpaste can do wonders for your sink. Just rub it on, rinse if off, and shield your eyes from the bright shine.

Mr. Clean doesn't like to cook. Too messy. But he's always willing to help out afterwards, clearing the table, loading the dishwasher without protest. He knows the most efficient way to arrange the dishes in the racks. Knows the best detergent, the most effective rinsing agent.

His advice is always nonthreatening, always appreciated.

Could Your Garbage Disposal Use a Breath Mint? To refresh from nasty odors, add baking soda and sliced citrus peels, and grind away.

Most of Mr. Clean's friends are women. They like to invite him to brunch, to tea. He takes in their gossip with a small smile on his face. They touch him on the shoulder, just beneath the hoop of his earring.

"You're such a good listener!" they say. He smiles. He hardly ever speaks to the women, but when he does, it's always the right thing to say.

Easy Party Clean-Up: To clean your blender after a party, add hot water and dish soap and -- blend!

Mr. Clean had a great love, once. He fell hard for one of the Scrubbing Bubbles -- the one with the moustache. Mr. Clean liked the bristly feel of facial hair against his groin. Hair he knew to be free of germs, spic and span. But this affair, too, was doomed not to last. They were from competing companies. There was a non-fraternization policy. They had to meet in secret.

"We should run off together," Mr. Clean said. "Somewhere we can be together."

"You wouldn't be happy," the Scrubbing Bubble replied. "You live to clean."

Later, the accusations turned acrimonious. "You don't love me anymore!" the Scrubbing Bubble accused one night. "You prefer your little tricks, your works in progress. I'm too clean for you, I can never satisfy your needs."

Mr. Clean had not contradicted him.

Give the Shower a Shower: Running the hot water for five minutes before scrubbing the shower or tub will loosen up the dirt and grime.

"Do you know how many germs there are in a teaspoon of saliva?" Mr. Clean asks the boy kneeling between his legs. The boy does not answer. Mr. Clean runs his fingers, the nails perfectly filed and manicured, through the boy's greasy hair.

These days, there's always some young fellow sleeping on Mr. Clean's couch. They never last for long, though. He tries to teach them a little grooming, a little hygiene, a little manners, before they leave.

They always leave. They always break his heart.

Mr. Clean wants to touch every grimy boy he sees. The ones on the street, the ones who call to him as he walks by. He longs to brush the dirt from their face. To iron and fold their freshly-laundered clothes. He dreams of opening a Home for Wayward Boys. He would teach them to scrub, to listen to women's secrets, to wipe, to rinse, to shine.

 

©2002 Lori Selke - Contributor's Bio

'Mr. Clean' was anthologized in Best Gay Erotica 2004